To My Boss : An Open Letter
Sir,
I previously worked as part of your organisation since December 2017 until May 2018. We've only met and talked twice. Below are some of the constructive criticisms and heartfelt opinions I would like to express honestly for future reference.
During the short period of time I spent working with your organisation, I was a frequent visitor to your Emergency Department (ED), be it for bronchial asthma, or dyspepsia -- you called it "gastritis". It was a fortnightly affair, if I remembered it right. Just the visits, not the pain. The pains are much more frequent. However, it's unfortunate that my ED visits, coupled with working and adjustment difficulties have earned me the title "Staff In Crisis" and consultations with the Psychiatry Department (PD).
True, my symptoms are the most generic of the generic. Bloating, minimal vomiting, epigastric pain, fever, the occasional lung infection; I can understand the distrust my superiors harbour towards me after. Some people, while trying to provoke me to resign as I struggled to keep my cool and manage my pain concomitantly, have told me that my fellow colleagues have shown up for work with worse symptoms. I wonder if they would tell me the same thing if I was crippled with the epigastric pain then. I wonder if you understand the extent of my pain if I tell you it took me a dose of syrup morphine for the pain to ebb away.
I'll confess, the pain coupled with my own insecurities, compounded by my superiors' relentless efforts to help-slash-convince-me-to-reassess-my-career-choices did eventually snowball into an emotional meltdown mid-March. My immediate bosses were not really helpful then. It's okay, it's normal I guess to be suspicious of a "Staff In Crisis".
My psychiatric diagnosis was correct, however. But it changed nothing. My pain still persists; my specialist is unsure whether it is because of psychosomatic reasons, or a valid physical manifestation of disease. My Amylase count was taken for a grand total of one (1) time. It probably gave normal values, because there were no followup instructions. Any subsequent bloodwork perhaps were all normal-- the usual, FBC, RP, etc. The last time I braved a visit to your ED, they gave me the usual medications (i.e. MMT, Tramadol) and then proceeded to send me to PD. I continued having excruciating pain daily for the next two weeks. I didn't bother for another ED visit. What good would it make?
On the day I tendered my resignation, it was because I've had enough. Months of daily pain, not soothed and helped by doses of Tramadol, Pantoprazole, Ranitidine, Metoclopramide, even Simethicone. I purged, simply because vomiting somehow gives momentary relief. I suffered the two flights back to West Malaysia, tried to wait out the pain by a Tramadol shot at a local clinic, and another oral dose of it.
When it doesn't help, I surrendered myself to my local hospital's ED. My Amylase count was 2400, then 400 on the subsequent day. I was hospitalised, but I'm at peace. They asked me how long I've had the pain, why nothing was done. I smiled, because I was right, something was truly wrong with my body. It wasn't just psychosomatic, it was not just my head telling me that I'm fractured. I was discharged with a diagnosis of acute/chronic pancreatitis, pain relief medication and a date for a hepatobiliary scan.
I was readmitted after 3 days, only because the pain got too much again. They did an urgent scan and found three stones in my gallbladder. They scheduled me for a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. I agreed. I've had the symptoms for almost two years now. I want the source to go away. I don't want to be crippled and doubted again.
Now, one month post-op, I'm happier. I don't have any pain anymore, I have no symptoms. I'm trying to rearrange my lifestyle again. I may not have my prestigious career anymore, but it's okay. It was just yet another road not taken.
What I want to say is -- not everyone should be slapped with a psychiatric diagnosis immediately after a sign of disorder. One is always of the potential to be part of a statistic, be it good or bad. Just because I'm an anomaly to any criteria, it doesn't mean it is completely ruled out.
The surgical team that operated on me was sympathetic; they offered to allocate me with proper documentation should I wish to re-enter service. I said "No".
Two different stints at two different locations with the same post, and I'm certain. No more. I'll find my way out. The environment, the lack of trust-- no. It doesn't help, especially when I have a legitimate reason to be in pain. Your organisation probably didn't lose anything when I resigned. And that's okay.
I wish the industry is more understanding of valid pain.
I wish my immediate superiors were more understanding of valid pain.
I wish my colleagues and teammates were more understanding of valid pain.
I wish psychiatric symptoms and diagnosis are taken seriously, and not just as an easy answer.
I wish someone doesn't have to die just to be taken seriously.
This was my Whatsapp status for quite some time -- "Amylase 2400 is my Kryptonite". And it will remain etched in my mind for the longest time, because it reminds me that my pain is valid, and that I have a right to fight for my pain.
Even if healthcare personnels themselves have condemned me to distrust, I was right. I did have a physical problem. You were just dismissive of it.
I wish you didn't.
Thank you, Sir, for the short months. I appreciated it.
A.
I previously worked as part of your organisation since December 2017 until May 2018. We've only met and talked twice. Below are some of the constructive criticisms and heartfelt opinions I would like to express honestly for future reference.
During the short period of time I spent working with your organisation, I was a frequent visitor to your Emergency Department (ED), be it for bronchial asthma, or dyspepsia -- you called it "gastritis". It was a fortnightly affair, if I remembered it right. Just the visits, not the pain. The pains are much more frequent. However, it's unfortunate that my ED visits, coupled with working and adjustment difficulties have earned me the title "Staff In Crisis" and consultations with the Psychiatry Department (PD).
True, my symptoms are the most generic of the generic. Bloating, minimal vomiting, epigastric pain, fever, the occasional lung infection; I can understand the distrust my superiors harbour towards me after. Some people, while trying to provoke me to resign as I struggled to keep my cool and manage my pain concomitantly, have told me that my fellow colleagues have shown up for work with worse symptoms. I wonder if they would tell me the same thing if I was crippled with the epigastric pain then. I wonder if you understand the extent of my pain if I tell you it took me a dose of syrup morphine for the pain to ebb away.
I'll confess, the pain coupled with my own insecurities, compounded by my superiors' relentless efforts to help-slash-convince-me-to-reassess-my-career-choices did eventually snowball into an emotional meltdown mid-March. My immediate bosses were not really helpful then. It's okay, it's normal I guess to be suspicious of a "Staff In Crisis".
My psychiatric diagnosis was correct, however. But it changed nothing. My pain still persists; my specialist is unsure whether it is because of psychosomatic reasons, or a valid physical manifestation of disease. My Amylase count was taken for a grand total of one (1) time. It probably gave normal values, because there were no followup instructions. Any subsequent bloodwork perhaps were all normal-- the usual, FBC, RP, etc. The last time I braved a visit to your ED, they gave me the usual medications (i.e. MMT, Tramadol) and then proceeded to send me to PD. I continued having excruciating pain daily for the next two weeks. I didn't bother for another ED visit. What good would it make?
On the day I tendered my resignation, it was because I've had enough. Months of daily pain, not soothed and helped by doses of Tramadol, Pantoprazole, Ranitidine, Metoclopramide, even Simethicone. I purged, simply because vomiting somehow gives momentary relief. I suffered the two flights back to West Malaysia, tried to wait out the pain by a Tramadol shot at a local clinic, and another oral dose of it.
When it doesn't help, I surrendered myself to my local hospital's ED. My Amylase count was 2400, then 400 on the subsequent day. I was hospitalised, but I'm at peace. They asked me how long I've had the pain, why nothing was done. I smiled, because I was right, something was truly wrong with my body. It wasn't just psychosomatic, it was not just my head telling me that I'm fractured. I was discharged with a diagnosis of acute/chronic pancreatitis, pain relief medication and a date for a hepatobiliary scan.
I was readmitted after 3 days, only because the pain got too much again. They did an urgent scan and found three stones in my gallbladder. They scheduled me for a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. I agreed. I've had the symptoms for almost two years now. I want the source to go away. I don't want to be crippled and doubted again.
Now, one month post-op, I'm happier. I don't have any pain anymore, I have no symptoms. I'm trying to rearrange my lifestyle again. I may not have my prestigious career anymore, but it's okay. It was just yet another road not taken.
What I want to say is -- not everyone should be slapped with a psychiatric diagnosis immediately after a sign of disorder. One is always of the potential to be part of a statistic, be it good or bad. Just because I'm an anomaly to any criteria, it doesn't mean it is completely ruled out.
The surgical team that operated on me was sympathetic; they offered to allocate me with proper documentation should I wish to re-enter service. I said "No".
Two different stints at two different locations with the same post, and I'm certain. No more. I'll find my way out. The environment, the lack of trust-- no. It doesn't help, especially when I have a legitimate reason to be in pain. Your organisation probably didn't lose anything when I resigned. And that's okay.
I wish the industry is more understanding of valid pain.
I wish my immediate superiors were more understanding of valid pain.
I wish my colleagues and teammates were more understanding of valid pain.
I wish psychiatric symptoms and diagnosis are taken seriously, and not just as an easy answer.
I wish someone doesn't have to die just to be taken seriously.
This was my Whatsapp status for quite some time -- "Amylase 2400 is my Kryptonite". And it will remain etched in my mind for the longest time, because it reminds me that my pain is valid, and that I have a right to fight for my pain.
Even if healthcare personnels themselves have condemned me to distrust, I was right. I did have a physical problem. You were just dismissive of it.
I wish you didn't.
Thank you, Sir, for the short months. I appreciated it.
A.
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Read more books before you spew hate.