Whatsapp : The New-Age Demon
When I resigned from my previous post, I was blessed with several residual gifts:
1. The fear of Whatsapp
2. The fear of immediate bosses
Combined, they turn me into mush. New texts coming in? Freak. New texts from bosses coming in? Double freak. After one year, I realise how crippling these gifts are. They make me panic. No matter whether the message is good or bad - it makes me anxious.
Apparently this was similar to how one feels when they get out of a traumatic and toxic environment, be it professional or personal. I can see that. I feel traumatized, a lot.
Half of my personality is encapsulated within my almost perfectionist tendencies. It has to be good, I have to perform, I have to be good enough-- oh my god, I screwed up here again. Shit, I screwed up there! Damn, why is this thing not cooperating with me??!!
-- and another half of me is defined by my innate needs to please. I just want to be good, once. I just want to not fail, once. I just want to be told that I am not decidedly screwing up. Once.
So my personality is at a constant war with my current predicament. I want to be good, but you scare me. I want to be honest, but I don't want to make you angry. I want to do what's good for me, but I also want to please you.
It's a tough act to balance. I fail with every breath I take, obviously.
But apparently I am not a special snowflake. There are things I can do to make these feelings go away. They say time would heal, so I'm banking on that. It has to. I don't want to live feeling like I'm constantly hounded by the shadows of the past. It's not like they are there, just that I feel the phantom of them, their claws hooked into my sides, their tendrils wrapped around my ankles.
So here goes.
1. A, they were bad people. They reduced you, dismissed you, didn't care about you. They were prejudiced about you. You had a lot of faults, but you were trying. Your tries might be worth nothing to them, but you knew you were freaking trying. So leave them behind. They don't deserve an inch of your thoughts. Stop displaying shady messages in your Whatsapp status; they might read it, but they don't feel like they have a share in your demise. Leave them behind.
2. A, you have potential. Despite what people say, despite what people do, you have potential. You can do this. You can be a person, you can succeed. Your definition of success doesn't align with others -- you know this well by now. They measure it by accomplishments, you measure it by staying alive. That is worth it. (And we can start talking about accomplishments later.)
3. A, you have friends and support. For every one person that belittles you (you suck, if you're reading this), there's at least three more who will hold your hands, make you see that you matter (you lovable turds, I do love you.)
4. A, lean on things. Lean on people. Lean on happy things. Lean on hobbies. Lean on new skills. Lean on living the best of your life. Lean on breathing.
Let's hope that I can finally kill off my fear of communication and Whatsapp at some point this year. Ya hear that, 2019???
-- This post is brought to you by my new year resolution of writing more. I also want to read more. Less of those (frankly, effin amazing) fiction, and let's start flexing the fingers more.
1. The fear of Whatsapp
2. The fear of immediate bosses
Combined, they turn me into mush. New texts coming in? Freak. New texts from bosses coming in? Double freak. After one year, I realise how crippling these gifts are. They make me panic. No matter whether the message is good or bad - it makes me anxious.
Apparently this was similar to how one feels when they get out of a traumatic and toxic environment, be it professional or personal. I can see that. I feel traumatized, a lot.
Half of my personality is encapsulated within my almost perfectionist tendencies. It has to be good, I have to perform, I have to be good enough-- oh my god, I screwed up here again. Shit, I screwed up there! Damn, why is this thing not cooperating with me??!!
-- and another half of me is defined by my innate needs to please. I just want to be good, once. I just want to not fail, once. I just want to be told that I am not decidedly screwing up. Once.
So my personality is at a constant war with my current predicament. I want to be good, but you scare me. I want to be honest, but I don't want to make you angry. I want to do what's good for me, but I also want to please you.
It's a tough act to balance. I fail with every breath I take, obviously.
But apparently I am not a special snowflake. There are things I can do to make these feelings go away. They say time would heal, so I'm banking on that. It has to. I don't want to live feeling like I'm constantly hounded by the shadows of the past. It's not like they are there, just that I feel the phantom of them, their claws hooked into my sides, their tendrils wrapped around my ankles.
So here goes.
1. A, they were bad people. They reduced you, dismissed you, didn't care about you. They were prejudiced about you. You had a lot of faults, but you were trying. Your tries might be worth nothing to them, but you knew you were freaking trying. So leave them behind. They don't deserve an inch of your thoughts. Stop displaying shady messages in your Whatsapp status; they might read it, but they don't feel like they have a share in your demise. Leave them behind.
2. A, you have potential. Despite what people say, despite what people do, you have potential. You can do this. You can be a person, you can succeed. Your definition of success doesn't align with others -- you know this well by now. They measure it by accomplishments, you measure it by staying alive. That is worth it. (And we can start talking about accomplishments later.)
3. A, you have friends and support. For every one person that belittles you (you suck, if you're reading this), there's at least three more who will hold your hands, make you see that you matter (you lovable turds, I do love you.)
4. A, lean on things. Lean on people. Lean on happy things. Lean on hobbies. Lean on new skills. Lean on living the best of your life. Lean on breathing.
Let's hope that I can finally kill off my fear of communication and Whatsapp at some point this year. Ya hear that, 2019???
-- This post is brought to you by my new year resolution of writing more. I also want to read more. Less of those (frankly, effin amazing) fiction, and let's start flexing the fingers more.
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Read more books before you spew hate.