Liar, liar, pants on fire

So, was my title obvious enough? Or does one needs to have the IQ only befitting for Holmes to be able to read past the lines?

Har hardy har.

I'm back at the bloody airport, bloody looping the same bloody song, bloody berating myself for being a useless sack of shit. As always.

It's amazing how much I can screw up before I hit the proverbial shitty ending, and then scramble around trying to fix things that I deliberately screw around with. Yep, you got that right. Do a shitty job on purpose and then go mad trying to make things right at the eleventh hour. Stupid right?

Well. Humankind needs stupidity. They don't learn otherwise.

I see faces that bear resemblance to no one, tamp out the noises that doesn't register, and ignore the ricocheting scraping of the whirling fan. It's bloody annoying. I'm bloody annoyed at everything. I'm at a place I have learnt to hate, doing something that does wonders to my self esteem, self worth, and keep on listening and bowing down to people around me telling me that it's absolutely crucial that I get these freaking two years behind me as fast as I can.

I'm already miraculously 2 months behind people now. Because of the extension, see? It doesn't bother me much to be honest, being behind. Lord knows I've failed multiple times, lagged behind repeatedly- that this episode of mental breakdown doesn't really faze me. Yes, I saw it coming. Everyone can see the train wreck approaching, if you ask me. I kept on deluding myself, telling my stupid noisy brain that somehow, it might be alright. Being told as gently as they could was nothing bigger a blow than what I'd expected. In fact, them trying to be as tactful as they can was borderline laughable. Because they really are a bunch of nice, accommodating people who genuinely (maybe, I guess lol) wishes me to come out stronger, better, and a good backup for this crazy system we call a career.

But I couldn't force myself. To take that step. To make myself go. To shut out everything else, so that I can be what I have to be, instead of letting myself do what I want to do.

Bloody Kelantan. Nobody told me how shitty life will be once they let me loose in this godforsaken place, left to fend for myself, and no Aaina, your keyword to success shall remain this; Lots of sabr and prayer, because you are alone.

They tried calling me. They picked someone who's maybe slightly a little bit closer (they thought!) so that maybe she can make me come, but no sir, no bloody sir, no can do. I have zero energy to deal with people. Half of me is afraid one day no one would be any wiser and stop caring altogether, and another part is trying to see how far I can push before I'd fuck it all up to the point of no return.

Scary thought, eh?